Teens and Screens
Shielding our kids from digital harm
Teens: some love them, some hate them. As parents we may find ourselves on both sides of that fence at various times. Parenting teens is no walk in the park. But is it true teens are worse now than ever before? We have been complaining since forever, it seems, about teen behaviours. Aristotle is on record as saying, “Teenagers these days are out of control. They eat like pigs, they are disrespectful of adults, they interrupt and contradict their parents, and they terrorize their teachers.”[1]
Research shows, to the contrary, that New Zealand teens are actually gradually reducing risky behaviours such as drinking, risky driving, substance use, unsafe sex and violent behaviours.[2] However, a sharp increase in poor adolescent mental health since 2012 has been noted in studies that is concerning professionals throughout the motu.[3] Any of us living with teens would be quick to tell you that the mood swings, the dramatic statements and the sometimes worrying behaviours seem a little off the scale compared to how we behaved when we were young. Is this normal?
The fact is, when living with teens you’re bound to hit a bit of turbulence. They’re attracted to risk. They’re distracted from school. They’re prone to latching on to risky peer groups and they push back against the help and guidance we are wanting to give them. Yet isn’t this the way it’s always been?
Researchers say no. Something has changed in recent years making the teen years riskier than ever before, and we, the parents of this generation left to find our way through it. A sudden shift in teen behaviours and emotional states was noted by generational change researchers, dating from 2012. What changed around then? Jean Twenge, author of iGen: Why Today's Super-Connected Kids Are Growing Up Less Rebellious, More Tolerant, Less Happy--and Completely Unprepared for Adulthood notes that for the first time, teens of this era had never known a time without a device in their hand.[4] Teens these days, she explains, are more comfortable in their bedroom than behind the wheel of a car, are less likely to experiment with alcohol or drugs and are less likely to date or go out with friends in the weekend. If they are not out at parties, not out with a boyfriend or girlfriend, not in the park kicking around a ball, and not spending time doing their homework, she asks, then what on earth are they doing with all that time? She found that they are instead, “in their room, on their phone, alone and often distressed.”[5] She concludes, “the twin rise of the smartphone and social media has caused an earthquake of a magnitude we’ve not seen in a very long time, if ever. There is compelling evidence that the devices we’ve placed in young people’s hands are having profound effects on their lives—and making them seriously unhappy.”
If you want more evidence to make you nervous about teens and their devices here’s some: A recent meta-analysis on screen time shows that the relationship between the time a teen spends on screen and the risk of depression is “dose-dependent” meaning, the more time on screens, the more likelihood of depression.[6]More than five hours and the risk becomes more severe with risk of suicidal ideation and behaviours. Yet the average screen time for adolescents on screens is about eight hours[7] – yikes! (Just to reassure you, apparently use of screens for educational use do not feature in these negative findings, so you can take out the hours they spend on schoolwork from your tally.)
By leaving teens with unrestricted access to the internet in the wee hours, we are allowing them to wade in deeper waters than we might ever imagine. One Mum in my practice told me of her usually compliant daughter who became particularly resistant to surrendering her phone at bedtime. After some pushing, Mum eventually found out her twelve year old was sleeping with her phone under her pillow, ready to receive texts all through the night from her best friend. When asked why, her daughter tearfully admitted her friend was entertaining thoughts of killing herself, and had confided in her as the only person who could possibly know about it. She felt if she missed a message maybe that might be the thing that tipped her best friend over the edge. Even experienced and highly trained professionals find situations like these distressing to emotionally hold and carry. Imagine the weight placed on that twelve year old’s shoulders. Yet this story is one that I have heard repeated in different client families a number of times.
This is all rather depressing news for those of us raising teens who seem inextricably attached to their devices. But wait! Don’t go giving up just yet. There IS a way forward and it’s surprisingly simple. In all the many, many articles published and research undertaken around risky teen behaviours, there is one factor that comes up again and again that protects young people from poor outcomes in later life: a close connection with a caring adult.[8]
This is not rocket science. The person who can best protect your teenager from a myriad of risky emotional and mental risks is…you!! Not the counsellor, not their teacher, not Aunty, not all the so-called experts you may call in to help. Don’t get me wrong, all these people are potentially very useful to your parenting story and would be best to add to your “village” as often as you can (see my article Use Your Village for more on this), but the person who has the best chance of really, truly keeping your teen safe from emotional harm is you: the adult who cares about them most.
In order to put this protective factor to work, there are three things you must do daily: connect, connect, connect. It’s that simple. You will make no progress if you leave them (literally) to their own devices. To make a difference you will need to get in their face (in a friendly way of course!) and get connecting. Go for a regular walk together (I don’t care if it’s in the dark at night if you can’t get home any sooner.) Watch a silly TV show together, take them surfing, biking, to the movies, to a show…Do whatever it takes to take them away from the world of peers and screens and risky contexts and get their trust back. Once you spend enough time with them they’ll start sharing with you what’s really on their mind. They might even - after a time - start to tell you about some of the upsetting or scary stuff going on in their world. Only then, once you have their ear and their trust, do you earn the right to start to guide, orient, and suggest to them different ways through their problems.
The real question is who has the lead? Where or who does your child turn to in times of difficulty? Is it their peers? The world of social media? Teen friendships can be notoriously unstable. Even if a teen finds a steady and reliable group of friends they trust, often other teens simply lack the wisdom and experience to truly guide one another. A teen worried about school, wondering about sex, struggling with addiction, or experiencing dark thoughts places a heavy burden on the shoulders of a friend, when confiding in them. Rarely is another 14 year old able to competently navigate these issues with their peers without the advice and support of a caring adult. An adult comes equipped with decades of life experience and can access generations of cultural wisdom and support to draw on in time of crisis, as well as access professional support services as needed. However, in Pakeha western culture, we often take the stance that our teens don’t need us any more. That we’d be best to leave them to it and work things out on their own. Psychologist Gordon Neufeld says adults who allow our teens to find solace in their peers rather than us, “leave their psychologically immature child the hands of equally immature teens with sometimes drastic consequences.”[9]
Instead, if we can get the lead back with our teens, through building daily connections and putting time and effort in, we build the ability to do what Gordon Neufeld calls “shielding” our teens from emotional harm. Their emotional connection and trust of us allows them to be shielded from the wounding words and the wounding contexts around them. We can’t always protect them from every kind of physical and emotional harm, but if we become the place of solace they can return to after the storm, we protect them from the full impact of the wounding and provide them a context in which to heal and recover.
It's a scary online world out there and it may feel at times that we have little or no control over it. However, rest assured you do carry an enormous potential to influence and protect your teen from emotional harm. All it requires is taking the time and energy to connect and support them through it.
[1] ‘Aristotle Quote’, A-Z Quotes, accessed 22 August 2023, https://www.azquotes.com/quote/1458751.
[2] Sonia Lewycka et al., ‘Downwards Trends in Adolescent Risk-Taking Behaviours in New Zealand: Exploring Driving Forces for Change: Adolescent Risk-Taking Trends’, Journal of Paediatrics and Child Health, 20 May 2018, https://doi.org/10.1111/jpc.13930.
[3] Kylie Sutcliffe et al., ‘Rapid and Unequal Decline in Adolescent Mental Health and Well-Being 2012–2019: Findings from New Zealand Cross-Sectional Surveys’, Australian & New Zealand Journal of Psychiatry 57, no. 2 (February 2023): 264–82, https://doi.org/10.1177/00048674221138503.
[4] Jean M. Twenge, ‘Have Smartphones Destroyed a Generation?’, The Atlantic, 3 August 2017, https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2017/09/has-the-smartphone-destroyed-a-generation/534198/.
[5] Twenge.
[6] Mingli Liu, Lang Wu, and Shuqiao Yao, ‘Dose–Response Association of Screen Time-Based Sedentary Behaviour in Children and Adolescents and Depression: A Meta-Analysis of Observational Studies’, British Journal of Sports Medicine 50, no. 20 (October 2016): 1252–58, https://doi.org/10.1136/bjsports-2015-095084.
[7] ‘Average Screen Time for Teens (2023)’, Exploding Topics, 9 April 2023, https://explodingtopics.com/blog/screen-time-for-teens.
[8] Mark A. Bellis et al., ‘Does Continuous Trusted Adult Support in Childhood Impart Life-Course Resilience against Adverse Childhood Experiences - a Retrospective Study on Adult Health-Harming Behaviours and Mental Well-Being’, BMC Psychiatry 17, no. 1 (December 2017): 110, https://doi.org/10.1186/s12888-017-1260-z; Russell M. Viner et al., ‘Adolescence and the Social Determinants of Health’, The Lancet 379, no. 9826 (2012): 1641–52; Michael D Resnick et al., ‘Protecting Adolescents From Harm: Findings from the National Longitudinal Study on Adolescent Health’, Jounal of the American Medical Association 278, no. 10 (1997): 823–32, https://doi.org/10.1001/jama.1997.03550100049038.
[9] Making Sense of Adolescence (Mediamax Interactive Productions, 2011).