Are you in a pickle about your bossy, demanding, controlling, opinionated, resistant, strong-willed child? You’re not alone. Many of us have had to contend with kids who refuse to do what we tell them and refuse to take any advice, direction or instruction from us. Yet confusingly, underneath it all, they seem more needy and vulnerable than the average child.
I remember how when my eldest was seven, I would fight to get her dressed for school, fight to get her out the front door, then fight to get her out the car door and into the school gates. When I came to collect her after school I would have to then fight to get her off the playground, fight to get her to walk home with me, and fight if I wanted to get her to do anything but watch TV once she got home. There was barely a thing in her day that she would do without a battle.
I remember feeling so bleak once that on walking in the door from dropping her to school, I couldn’t face starting my day’s work. I tried to shake it off but instead found myself on my knees sobbing with the exhaustion and fatigue and frustration of it all. What was underneath all this challenging behaviour? It took me a while to figure it out, but fortunately once I did, it transformed the way I parented. It turned out that this type of behaviour had a lot more to do with instinct and a lot less to do with her making problems on purpose than I had thought.
About Alpha
There are two sets of instincts, according to Dr Gordon Neufeld[1]. One is the instinct to take the lead with others: the Alpha Mode . The other is the instinct to be taken care of by others: the Dependent Mode. As parents, we generally take turns with our partner at taking the alpha or the dependent mode depending on who is more comfortable with the lead in any given context, but in a parent-child relationship, it generally works best if the parent is in the lead and the child is willing to depend. Sometimes this gets turned on its head and the child ends up in the alpha mode with the parent left struggling to be in charge of anything from food to homework to bedtimes. Dr Neufeld calls a child who operates in the alpha mode most of the time an “alpha child” or a child with an alpha complex.
Why is my child in the Alpha mode?
There are two main reasons a child can be in the alpha mode.
Alpha by Default
A child can become alpha “by default”. This means the parent has not taken a firm lead in their relationship with the child, creating a gap for the child to step in to. This situation can be created for many reasons, such as by overly casual or permissive parenting. It could be because the parent is overly anxious, indecisive or uncertain. It could be because the parent believes in creating an equal status between parent and child possibly perhaps because their own parent was overly domineering. Or it could be because the parent is looking to the child to meet an unmet need in themselves such as a need for companionship. While lenient or anxious parents can often come from a place of real empathy and caring, studies show that parenting that avoids taking the lead can have a detrimental effect on the child. Children of lenient parents have been shown to do less well in school, to be more impulsive and aggressive, to be less able to self-regulate and to be more prone to delinquency and substance use later on. [2]
Alpha by Defence
A child can also become alpha “by defence”. The child’s parents may be operating in the alpha mode but still it doesn’t feel safe to the child to depend upon them. This could be because a child feels let down by their parent in a frightening situation such as a car crash or the death of an important person in their life. It could be because the child experiences a sense that their parent is taking advantage of their vulnerability or is making fun of them. Maybe the parent uses their need for connection against them with words such as, “I will only give you a hug when you finish tidying up your room”. Or perhaps they use what the child cares about against them; “I will only let you have your favourite meal if you do your chores first.” These contexts can trigger a defence in the child against vulnerable feelings such as caring - a vital part of a healthy alpha expression. As a result, the child’s limbic brain drives them to take the alpha mode, feeling it to be the only safe mode to operate in. Alpha by defence is common in highly sensitive children including those with giftedness and those on the ASD spectrum.
So what’s the problem with Alpha?
There’s nothing intrinsically “wrong” with alpha instincts per se. They are an important and instinctive part in every single one of us. However, alpha energy should rise up, when the situation demands it, and settle down once the need is gone. A child whose alpha instincts get stuck in the lead mode can leave them without care or compassion for others. You see, the alpha mode works best in the context of caring for others. To be healthy, the drive to take charge should always be accompanied by a drive to take responsibility for and to care for others. A child who has taken the alpha lead in the parent-child relationship has the drive to take charge, but they tend to use their lead to direct others to care of them, rather than to use it to take care of others.
This makes Alpha children very difficult to take care of. They can be bossy, controlling and demanding. They resist instruction or direction, must be in the know all the time and are driven to take centre stage. As parents it is our job to support, care for, encourage, advise, guide and direct our children as they develop. An alpha child rejects such support from us and as a result is left without the kind of care they truly need.
What we fail to realise is that a child in the alpha mode is often a vulnerable child. They appear to be strong, confident and in control, so it’s easy to step back and allow them to make their own decisions because they appear grown up and independent in so many ways. However, the drive to take control often masks an underlying sense of anxiety and alarm. Deep down, an alpha child knows they’re not quite ready for the responsibilities of the adult world. In fact, it was this underlying alarm that caused the child to be driven to take charge in the first place. Being in charge makes a child feel in control, helping them avoid all those vulnerable feelings associated with being in the dependent mode.
How do I get the lead with my child back again?
Getting your lead back again with an alpha child is often a slow process that may require some personal growth in ourselves as well as great care and patience with our tamariki. The key is to find a place within ourselves that is both soft but firm at the same time.
Assume the Alpha role
Don’t be afraid to convey a strong and firm alpha presence in your relationship with your child. Gordon Neufeld says, “You are the kings and queens of their universe until they are strong enough to become their own.[3]” Studies show that parents who can combine a warm, caring invitation to their kids, alongside a strong lead are more likely to produce children who are independent, socially integrated, successful in school, less anxious, and less likely to engage in risky behaviours such as substance use.[4]
If you don’t feel the Alpha in you yet, fake it until you make it. In particular, never allow a child to feel they are too much for you to handle. This means you must shift the responsibility for their many woes and concerns back onto your own shoulders. We are fond of saying to children “it’s your choice” and “you are responsible for your own actions.” While this approach works well with older children and teens who show signs of being ready to flourish into their separate, adult selves, it can be developmentally inappropriate for many children. They must not be given too much responsibility too soon. They might appear to be coping well but underneath, the burden and anxiety can send them into alpha by defence.
Invite Dependence
Restoring a right relationship with our child involves not just taking back the lead, but allowing our alpha child to rest and to lean upon us. We can do this by inviting their dependence. When a child feels supported by us they are far more likely to surrender the lead role. For more on this see my Substack article “Nest Pushing”.
Come Alongside their feelings
Lastly, when an alpha child lashes out or demands something from us, instead of heading in to an alpha battle, we can try to come alongside the feelings underneath their behaviour. For example a child who hits her sister, may be feeling left out. While you need not pretend it’s ok to hit, you might still say, “I can see you’re feeling left out by your sister when she’s with her friends. That must feel hard for you. Why don’t you come along with me and we’ll talk about this further.” In the quiet of connection, once the emotion has run its course, you may want to talk to her about other ways of getting her sister’s attention rather than hitting. The important thing is that the emotions are heard, allowing the alpha energy to settle back into dependence once again.
So next time you find yourself in a parent pickle with your alpha child, remember they’re actually feeling small and vulnerable under all that behaviour. It may just help you find your caring lead once again.
Want to know more about the Alpha Child?
Adrienne has produced an online course called Alpha Kids that goes deeper into making sense of the alpha dynamic in kids. It also brings vibrant ideas, illustrations and ideas for turning the alpha dynamic around and rebuilding a good connection. The course is unique in that it looks to play and playful solutions to undo this challenging parent-child dynamic. She has also produced a free Digital Download on Alpha Kids. See Heartsync Online Learning for other courses from Adrienne.
[1] Alpha Children (Vancouver: Mediamax Interactive Productions, 2012).https://neufeldinstitute.org/course/alpha-children/
[2] Pamela Li, ‘Permissive Parenting - Why Indulgent Parenting Is Bad For Your Child’, Parenting For Brain, 13 April 2019, https://www.parentingforbrain.com/permissive-parenting/; J. Benjamin Hinnant et al., ‘Permissive Parenting, Deviant Peer Affiliations, and Delinquent Behavior in Adolescence: The Moderating Role of Sympathetic Nervous System Reactivity’, Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology 44, no. 6 (1 August 2016): 1071–81, https://doi.org/10.1007/s10802-015-0114-8.
[3] Alpha Children.
[4] Gwen Dewar, ‘The Authoritative Parenting Style: An Evidence-Based Guide’, PARENTING SCIENCE, 8 April 2023, https://parentingscience.com/authoritative-parenting-style/; Haim Omer et al., ‘The Anchoring Function: Parental Authority and the Parent-Child Bond’, Family Process 52, no. 2 (June 2013): 193–206, https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12019.